In my neighborhood in central Pennsylvania the people are friendly
and the introductions are often. Usually the first question they ask
is my name. The second is almost always, "Do you work outside the
home?"
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For five years now my answer has been no. I have considered myself a
stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) since I stepped out of the classroom to
embrace motherhood full-time. I feel fortunate to have a husband
with a steady job that provides a good income so that I have the
opportunity to be home with my children. I love being there for
their first words and first steps and snotty noses. (Okay, maybe not
the snotty noses.)
But the truth is, after the first year at home with a toddler and an
infant I wasn't happy. I loved my children more than anything, but I
didn't have the sense of fulfillment I expected.
No one talks about the difficult transition to being a SAHM, but
when you are an educated and independent woman who has never needed
to rely on anyone but herself, it is difficult to lean on your
partner financially. It is hard not to resent the gap in your resume
and the lack of adult interaction. When you couple those feelings
with a changing body image and a reality that doesn't always live up
to the expectations set forth by television fantasies and Pinterest
boards, it is hard to learn to love your new job as Chief Diaper
Changer and Bottle Maker.
It's really no wonder that several studies have shown that working
moms are happier than SAHMs. However, studies have also shown that
having a full-time parent at home makes for happier, better-adjusted
children. I felt like going back to work was putting my own
happiness above theirs. Mommy guilt, it's what's for dinner. Believe
me, it's there. Between the mac 'n' cheese and the canned green
beans, it's always there.
Once we added a third child it made no financial sense for me to go
back to work. Daycare costs alone would have eaten my entire salary.
I was just so very, very bored.
Lucky for me, I live in the 21st century and here, in the Land of
Opportunity, there was balance to be found. It just took me a while
to find it.
At first I jumped in with both feet. I started my own child-centered
business: a community toy library. I took my kids to work with me, I
was helping to expand the economy, I was teaching again, and I was
busy. Too busy.
When our oldest son was diagnosed with special needs, I had no
choice but to shut it down. There was no room for balance in that
schedule. Family will always come first.
I dissolved my business, but I had gotten a taste of the working
mom's Kool Aid and I wanted in. I did not, however, want to leave my
kids in daycare and miss all of the precious moments of their youth.
I wanted to have my cake and eat it too and I was determined to do
just that.
Around that time I started blogging. I found an amazing online
community of moms in the same stage of life. It was a hobby that
provided a much-needed social outlet. At first that was all it was.
I answered a Craigslist ad for a
part-time teaching job at a local
non-profit. My background in education made me a good fit to teach
their parenting classes a few evenings each month. I was bringing in
a small income, getting adult interaction, and the schedule was
perfect for us. It was amazing. I started to feel like me again and
not just Mommy.
Eventually the kids grew older and more independent. I made the
decision to do just one thing each day to focus on my blog. Monday I
made a media kit. Tuesday I would make a list of editors or other
bloggers to approach for networking opportunities. I applied for
jobs in the writing field. I was shocked when the editor of a local
magazine actually offered me some freelance work. The blog
networking turned into an opportunity to collaborate on a new book
and I became one of the authors featured in the Amazon best-selling
humor anthology I Just Want to Pee Alone. I queried agents and
publishers and was shocked again when I was offered a contract for a
children's book.
Although I still consider myself a SAHM, my days now include
juggling editor's notes and conference calls. My paychecks are
starting to get bigger, although I doubt they will ever be huge.
Most importantly, I have seen every first step and heard every first
word.
I believe we can have it all, just not at the same time. I also
believe that putting my career completely on hold for five years
would have been a bad idea.
When I was a little girl I dreamed of one day being an author like
Judy Blume. I never thought it would really happen. It was my
fantasy job. I dreamed of writing like little boys dream of becoming
professional athletes, but in the end settle for being accountants
because it is practical. Signing the contract for my first book made
me feel like a first pick in the NFL draft.
It was an opportunity I would have never had if I had not chosen to
walk away from my full-time career to focus on my family. My family.
I walked away to focus on my family and my family includes me.
It took me almost five years to realize that.
I truly feel like at this moment I have it all. When you do what you
love and keep doing it intentionally, someone will eventually pay
you for it.
The best part, for me, is that when someone asks, "Do you work
outside the home?" my answer is still no.
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